How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino

This is not your average book review. This is also not your average survival guide. This is a written plan for how to “defend yourself when the lawn warriors strike (and they will)” by Chuck Sambuchino.

Fear not. Now that you know they’re planning to strike, you’re much safer than you were 60 seconds ago.

Given to my husband and I by my dear sister-in-law, this book has opened my eyes and allowed me to see the world as if I’m nine inches off the ground. I did not realize just how vulnerable my home and family are to the threat of a gnome attack. The first of four parts in this life-saving work helps humans like me assess their situation and understand the signs of impending doom.

If you step out of the familiarity of your backyard and into the black hole that is the forest, your chances of survival decrease by 60 percent, while your odds of getting bludgeoned to death at the thicket’s edge increase by 200,000 percent.

After becoming more in tune with the signs of gnome activity, the second part of the book teaches the best ways to defend your yard, the exterior of your home, and the interior of your home. Gnomeproofing is no easy task considering the stature of the enemy. You will also find that we all provide ample opportunities for these miniature intruders to secure weapons. (I bet you keep all of your gnome-sized knives together in one place, don’t you?)

They come down the chimney, like jolly St. Nick – but deliver evisceration and death.

The final two installments discuss the inevitable battle that will ensue when these neatly groomed trolls get bold enough to strike. After providing ten tips that may save your life and reviewing the best weapons at the disposal of both gnome and human, Sambuchino reemphasizes the fact that these battles are best handled by evacuation and distance defense. Do not engage a gnome in combat with any portion of your body! Lastly, in an effort to remain hopeful, Sambuchino shares a survivor’s story and the best places on Earth to rid yourself of gnomes should you trap one (or many) and have the opportunity to dispose of them safely.

Why do garden gnomes want to kill you? Some experts say it’s to gain dominion over your dwelling. Others theorize it’s a desire for unlimited access to your goods and possessions. But the truth is: They’re just plain psychotic.

I fully recommend this book for all adults. Especially those living alone, and those living in rural areas. For Pete’s sake, if you have a garden gnome, or worse yet, if your neighbors love these little monsters, please read this book and act immediately!

If you do not fear gnomes or their impending takeover of the human world, I still recommend reading this book for its very intelligent humor, well constructed content, and hilarious photographs. This is a wonderful coffee table book and brilliant conversation piece.

Wait…did that gnome just move…?